saturn makes love

I've fed you..
Have had you coiled around my middle finger..
Have invoked you..
Been dreaming of you.
But I never knew you, who limps, cross eyed, blue clad, likes to make love
Maybe you always were.. I never knew how to feel the touch

Breath by breath, if one lives, one lives; Pick out thoughts and words out of one's head
Touch by touch, one will feel, time, saturn, poignance, slide across ones body, touching, feeling
making love..

Your lips are dry, cold as they brush across my cheek..
You dont touch my breasts, yours is not sensuality..
You press a hard long finger nail againt my nipple, it hurts so much, as if to punish my infidelity
You press your thumb at my throat, I dunno where exactly, but exactly where that can stop my breath
You grasp my sex. cold tension. I brace.
Its retributive. Its pain. It slows my breath down. And makes me still.
But still its such ..such ..erotic sadism...
blue saphire, cold fire, a twirl through a mire, erotic sadism...

Strong

I am a cloud
Am stronger than a mountain
I rain, and people think am gone
But fooled them
I exist as the ever wide ever blue sky

Randoms

Everything is divine.
Human mind is most perceptive of the divine's beauty, when the form is another human.
So there is the opportunity.

Desire for the other is an inward bound spiral.
Spirals, spirals, and concentrates and concentrates, possess possess
So there is the danger

Randoms

Wow.
What a dream.
A female being stretched and stretched till she becomes one long sinewy line
A male being stretched and stretched till he becomes another sinewy line
And they curling around . And then a helix.. Like the DNA's
Maybe each of us is not just an Ardha of the Ardhanareeshwara.
Each of us is the Ardhanareeshwara. A complete unity of opposites.
Gender:Sex. may not really be the Keys/Locks to the Locks/Keys to Completeness
They might actually be more the Latch, that keeps the door closed on Completeness.

In Frustration with Geography

There exists in a desert, the Ocean. The Ocean that is home
The desert exists, across another Ocean, an Ocean that is wide and deep
Its so easy to swim there with eyes closed
Wish it was just as easy to do it, with eyes opened too.

The silence after the salience

You must be on the plane now na Nandu.
And that School certificate must be in your bag flying too.
I'm sure it still doesnt believe it's yours. It thought it was mine for 5 years. So be understanding with it chekka.
I miss having you around. Last two days filled up so many blanks in my head.
I realise how partial conversations with friends here have become.
I have to cut down 2 years of my life to connect.
Polar Opposites. Parallel lines.
Guardian. Nemesis. Counsellor. Client. Critic. Driver. Banker. Cook. Teacher. Shoulder to cry on. Dearest dearest friend.
You better observe better this time as you fly as you promised, why you think the rain clouds are just winds. And call and tell me when you land.

When even maths fail to explain..

I thought I understood multiplication pretty well.
Enough to preidct the Left Hand side = Right Hand side
6* 4 = 24
5*15= 65
Small numbers being multiplied with each other to give a larger number..
But when I tried doing that with time.. why isnt it not so then..
Moments * numbers =/should have been = hours/days/weeks/
But no matter what I substitutes for the variables, moments just always seem to be stronger larger than its multiples in hours days and weeks...
What is in a moment that gets divided then when it is multiplied turns into days.. Whats it in days that get multiplied so strongly when it is divided to give moments..
Thank goodness there is love that annihilates the very concept of time itself..
Else I'd have just cried and cried ... coz of my ignorance that made me so clueless..

Randoms

A red fish in a green tank is a black fish..

Pink.Blink.Gone

Papa lit the camphor cubes.. So that the smoke would drive the mosquitoes out..
I couldnt read. The smoke was hurting my eyes..
I saw this bright pink fly, whirring and circling, whirring and circling, near my table..
Demented it seemed.. Felt so sorry for it.. It was acting as if it has gone mad.. coz of the smoke??
I thought I should take it in my hand, and let it be there.. but what if I'll be frightening it more??
My pen dropped from my hand..
I bent down to pick up.
Taking it, looking again to where the little fly was,
I saw it being clasped tight in the mouth of this big dirt brown lizard..
In the blink of an eye. Dead. In the blink of an eye. Undemented.
Am stunned because I dont know what I felt.
The suddenness took my feeling from me.

Wha's happening with the red dragon?!

Modern biological science defines the menstrual flow as the blood letting of the uterus, in the absence of conception following ovulation. It's a part of the cycle, which's occurance and nature throws light on the dynamics of the cycle and is influenced by the production of hormones like oestrogen in the body.
In Ayurveda the monthly flow is 'raktha moksha' blood detoxification. And depending on the predominance of Vata, Pitta, Kapha, in the body, the nature of it changes. Vata giving scanty flow, Pitta making it profuse and early and Kapha making it thick.

In Tai chi. Its the very flow of chi, the sexual energy. And it even says how an exxagerated flow may lead to loss of 'jing'. In Hindu mythology, it is symbolised as the red seed, the very fluid of creation. So itself, Goddess is dressed in red in her most fertile forms.. In Tai chi, the act of attaining celibacy in women in describes as 'slaying the red dragon'. Intricate, long drawn out practices are prescribed for the same..
Last few months have seen a marked shift in my life.. in the diet chosen..in the meditation done..yoga practised.. not quite the almost impossible routines prescribed by Tai Chi.. but in general, restraint in life.. but..
what is so perplexing to me is, why my red dragon has being so emboldened after it all.
Its been happening actually since the Vipassana meditation.. Right on the 6th day of the meditation, as soon as the most intense of the practice was introduced, the flow began, unexpectedly, a week early.. I was perplexed... It is said when mind becomes still.. consolidated, body too follows.. flowing rasas.. rise up into tapas. Matter sublimating into spirit and energy. But it did not happen to me. Just the reverse.
An aberration i thought. But the aberration repeated itself last month. And when today too came with the flow, I knew it was not an aberration but a certain indication.. some deep change is happening in my body.. or maybe it has already happened..
I now have a 21 day cycle.. As opposed to the normal 28. And I just cant figure out why it should be so. What it implies..
I have heard such a short cycle happening to women in perimeneopause stages.. If thats this, it must mean my estrogen and progestrone levels have gone to really low levels, thereby there being not enough estrogen to suppress FSH and thereby messing up the cycle and causing uterus to shed its endometrial lining prematurely.... hmmmm... i know am no where near the perimenopause age.. but still maybe that means, through the logic of left brain am becoming less womanly..less sexual.
But from Ayurveda and Tai Chi's perspective, its not ovulation but the red flow that is the chi energy..creative energy.. I remember reading how decreased menstrual flow is a sign of decreased sexual vitality.. and an increase in that, shows a profusion of creative energy... Which may mean am becoming more of the creative Shakti, sexual and fertile...
So is the dragon quarter slayed or quarter emboldened???
Gosh I wish rather than knowing a dozen different views, I knew and could believe one way of looking at things, for certain..

In reverence to the unmajestic crows

Today morning, when I went to feed them, they didn't come. The crows. Wondered what I must have done, that upset them. Them and saturn and time. But I needn't have worried.. Had forgotten to take my lunch.. was reading. And then they came to my window and crowed.. oh my dearest crow friends, how happy was i to see you! :-) Two of them came today. Bali kakas. of the darkest black. with the coarsest voice. you crows, you with the energy of shani - the sun's son.. born from a shadow's womb.. who is brother to death, with the coal black eyes and a limp..
the world deems u ugly, coarse.
but heed i do you.. and will continue to, even if am swept upon a cloud..
for i know, time, time, time, is the one that set the stage even for creation..
as Chronos. Castrating Uranus, made life flow from Rhea..
And I find you, the time.
Ubiquituous. loud. yet so very often unheeded...

Condensing Space span

My day used to span earth and the sky
gLee and Sartre and Penck and Jung
Simba and Siva . yoga and belly dancing
But lately it spans just 5'11''
But I find all the seas and stars and songs and thoughts of the world in it! :-D

Mind in a glen, not the mind in a plain

Sun and rain and the field and marsh were all the same
In the plain of solitude hands waving freely by my side
No prayer on the lips, no worry on the mind
Found a feather of fire on the way
Took me to scale a mountain, it did
Have never felt so alive
But at the slighest rumble from the sky
My lips have only prayers and heart beats faster
Let not a drop of rain fall on it
Don't mind, holding tighter, the burns that may be, as I hold so tight
But let not a drop of rain fall on it.

Randoms

I love myself. I want who and what that makes my heart skip a beat; I want who and what takes me up on a rainbow
I seekthat who and what.
When I find the who and what, I whirl around the the who and what in solemn circles. Weaving along, a tapestry of promises, dreams and care. Guarding. Cherishing.
Somewhere along I lose my self. it goes flying along some tangent.
Now a self lost is but a selfless.

Selfish love is not a block, but a means to selfless love.

I feel so beautiful today.. There is this person size mirror on the wall in front of my study desk.. and it seems to show someone else . A bespectacled head in an oversized T over an oversized Bermuda over over sized thighs. I feel so headily sure about me being beautiful that am sure the mirror has perception problems.. This usually annoying housefly, that has made me and my study desk, its morning leisure visits, swatting away whom, is my usual morning routine, seems like a poor besotted fellow drawn by my beauty.
Can hear Mommy coming down.. I wonder whether she'll notice

Mission: Sex them plants up.

Tried downloading Tarzan cartoon with Vuze. and when all downloaded and unzipped, it turned out to be Tarzan hard core. And I actually deleted it. which was more than 5 mins before I realised the aberration. I think I've stopped making eggs since I stopped eating them. Travesty. My pug nose would go un-inherited. The red lingerie set Rochelle gave me would go unexploited. More than 5 years of dedicated theory building will go un-empiricised. No singing Freak like me. No dancing DirtyDancing..

I just can't go back to Non Veg. Got the idea of non violenent eating too deep. 'Incepted'.
There is just one option left. Another Inception. On Plants!
Try corrupt the plants. Maybe I can keep some of them veggies bound in playboy covers, and keep them rice and wheat in white satin pillow cover. And maybe I can even play Olivia Newton's song Physical when i cook my Maggi. It oughta soak in then, all the good, carnal and sensuous! And thereby help me recorrupt myself! I always did believe one is what one eats. I just forgot to zoom in on the implications and realise what happen when one eats only Plants, who just leave seeds around when they want a little plant.
Really.
Vegetarians of the World, Unite!. Corrupt those plants! We have nothing to lose but our 'control'!

Lost in interpretation

I was 4 months old.
I reached for a bright pink ball kept near my pillow.
It was too far away, and my grasp failed.
My mom saw my extended hand, and she gave it meaning
She turned my personal monologue into a dialogue
O you want this?, said she, as she leaned forward to take the pink ball and put it in my hand.
Since then it has been happening, happening
People interpreting me. Telling what the sounds and moves i make, mean.
I have learnt the rules. learn to shape coherent responses and dialogue.
And they inturn have given me dolls, pals, golden medals, kisses and poetry
But have taken away, my own personal meanings for sounds and moves and very being itself.
Poorer, growing poorer, as my vocabulary increases..

The truth of my experience is so frustratingly, puzzlingly, non linear. Where are the lines?!

All's love , All's law

Read Browning today.. He said All's love.. All's law. Still haven't gotten over the depth in that statement.. I wanna unravel that line.. But not today, someday it will be truly coherent..

Shiva.Saraswathi; The Violence.The Compassion; in purification

Shiva was woken from his meditations and looked around to discover a world on the brink of corruption and being unsalvageable. Shiva decided it was time to wipe the slate clean. Shiva, the destroyer, opened his world destroying third eye attempting to destroy the three worlds.. Out came a terrible fire that threatened all existence.
There was panic everywhere. Only Saraswati remained calm. “Shiva’s fire burns only that which is impure and corrupt.”
She took the form of a river and with her pure waters picked up the dreaded fire from Shiva’s third eye. Within the folds of her water she carried the fire far away from the earth to the bottom of the sea where it transformed into a fire breathing mare called Badavagni – the beast of doom.
“So long as the world is pure and man wise, this terrible creature will remain on the bottom of the sea. When wisdom is abandoned and man corrupts the world, Badavagni will emerge and destroy the universe,” foretold the wise goddess.

Sweet grapes

Everyone knows the Sour Grapes syndrome.

I have just discovered another and also realised I suffer from it.

Sweet Grape Syndrome. Where the fox would say, " Gee the grape is too sweet. would get me hooked, hanging around this tree all day, all my life, missing my prowls. Better go find some sour grapes".

Probability theorems I learnt in high school tells me that the probability of a guy like him being there within 1 km of radius is something like finding a bacteria's feet in Simba's belly. But the damage has been done. The "resolution" has been stated and the call has been cut.

Its not just commitment phobia. Coz i have shown no hassles and indeed quite a lot of zest in putting commitment on the wrong vines. I must say its Masochistic commitment-philia cum Healthy commitment-phobia.

Give me some Lithium Carbonate!

Gourami

They have been ill before.
But I was never as worried as am now.. Especially Him. The majestic, calm leader ever, I don't have a name to call him..
He always seemed so profound. Never really felt like making him a silly fish, just like all named fishes sound and seem.
He l et me pet him today.
Something is eating into him.
Read all kinds of online diagnostic charts about Giant Gourami diseases..
Rots, Fungus infection, Ich, Velvet disease..
In all the 14 years of having them around, had never thought so many things can go wrong with aquarium water.
Its skin is flaying all over.. eyes are clouding up.. skin is peeling off...
it's almost like its being drawn out excruciating little by little...
This fish was one of the first entities that made me think about..vertical classification.. a kind of harmonic series in nature..
i would look at it, and I would feel like I am near a Jack fruit tree..
A jack fruit tree swimming around in my very own pond, just one wall with a window away from my study room..
I am going to sleep now , dear jackfruit fish.. Cant be near you at night. Nature's Elements, Self created Regiments, proscribe that.
I hope my morning tomorrow wont be missing you.. But if I will be, I want you to know. I have always respected you.

REMINDER!! META THEORY!!

This is to remind myself that I should write down those great ideas that came up, as I was reading the experiments on
1) Spool sorting. Festinger
2)Sleeper effect
3) Inoculation theory
If I find myself not remembering still, the clues are "I act, therefore I think". And "Idealism is nothing but a producr of cognitive dissonance" . "Bal Thackerey's Saamna". Come on Febna . I know u had an exam on 30th. But If you don't write it down as you are reading this post 30th April, its gonna be a great loss for Febnakind. Seriously!

Bagrry, Pokkiri Chakkara Bagrry..

Nothing beats Muesli for breakfast! Bagrry's Muesli! Bagrry's Muesli with Nuts and Raisins. I love you Bagrry.. I missed you Bagrry... You made me happy Bagrry... Kellogs poyi chaavattey, chaavattey, chaavattey.

Logic of travel insurances

Sappu is all set to go to Australia. Not much money at home these days. What with all the renovation loans. She is gonna make it so much lesser, and I do my bit of dramatic anguishing, if this continues there would be no 1 kg gold, 1 benz car, 1 hot property dowry to go with me in that wedding you so want for me Papa!, i say. Lol. Am actually so secretly happy that assests that may be used for "Investments" are being used for "fluidity". Sound economic sense in motion.
Latest decision is on Travel Insurance. Insure for a few thousand rupees, and get covered for Baggage loss, Passport loss, Identity loss, Body loss, Mind loss, what not! Covers up to some One lakh thousand dollars, with this small premium. Now it being taken that Insurance companies are never stupid, the ratio of a potential loss happening to not happening must be that that that small to offset such ludicrous compensations. Which in turn implies one really does not need an insurance. Which in turn implies humans are really stupid, stupidly imaginative people, who inflate the small , nay miniscule, non existent threats to dimensions large enough to make "insurance" a necessary component of travel and life.
Lakhs and lakhs of travellers funding for the losses of fews and fews. Lakhs and lakhs of travellers losing something significant from their pocket to secure themselves against a probablity of insignificant strength.
This observation itself would have been insignifant, had it just been about that money lost from the pocket. But I fear, this is the small psychology that is the thing. The Fear, that is the root of very existence of society itself. All of us compromising entities of value for guarding ourselves against imagined possibilities of danger that may happen to the few and few.
So much loss for such neurotic fear.

the 30 sec threshold

Was watching nat geo videos. Lions are such beautiful animals. Not so fancy mating though.
She kept analysing and complaining after that. "The travailles of the lioness!" . All the rearing up of cubs and hunting for them for 30 s of pleasure.
Complaining; drawing parallels with human situation; complaining.
The evening was jaded enough. Didn't wanted to make it more so, by asking, If it's just 30 s of pleasure making us plod all those years... and we resent that, we should resent more the fact that its fear of some 30 s of pain that keep us keep plodding all kinds of plods..

When love flooded a study room

Hopefully finish economics. Start Indian History. That was the big plan I made for myself for my birthday. Switched off my cell phone. Stayed in. I was pretty sure that's what I wanted. I knew I thought that past was great, but present did not need past. But my pasts.. the wonderful tenacious people that peopled that past, refused to believe that.. I dunno from where Richa and Deva got my mom's number.. How Altaf and Sujith managed to remember. How Betsy and Isi and Ranjith refuses to forget.. The wishes came from all over.. through the least expected phones... along with least expected gifts... prying prying open carefully locked up frivolities. The diary. With Pictures of Mumbai. That was the final straw. Couldnt stop crying. Seeing a brigt red page with picture of Mumbai bus tickets strewn about... Tickets from 505. Tickets to Bandra where I can walk all day. Tickets to anonymity. Tickets to beonging. Trivandrum cannot give me anything like that. I love you so much my dearest dearest Bus ticket. I really did not know you meant so much to me...
My friends.. you humbled me... .

A favourite song is a dare...

Songs are not as innocuous as they seem. The songs I loved; its not just an act for pleasure to listen to them these days.. it's an act of daring, fraught with risks of being sucked into deep chasms of time and space..where one meets up with all the colours and sounds and sighs so carefully repressed.. I dared to listen to Death Cab for Cutie.. The one that goes, Love of Mine, Some day you will die... Made me cry. Felt as if I was an autumn leaf falling falling...seeing its reflection on the river.. seeing no colour in it.. Made me wonder of the sanity of choices I made. Of the Yeses not given, of the Maybes strewn about..
Pasts and futures are stories we tell ourselves.. So i told myself. Been religious about the pursuit of the pursuit.. in many ways thats the reason why this long hard preparation seems to have so much value.. have to keep increasing my consciousness density of time... focussing more of consciousness on smaller and smaller units of time... and yes, keep away from songs..

Whats with me. I feel ambitious. I wanna feel so careless. I wanna run. Forget all. I am digging my roots in. I can see myself. Can understand. Can't can't touch myself.. What's wit me.

I miss the sea so much...

Sun in my eyes was not the sun on my eyes..

My heart went out to the sun today. What with being eclipsed and all. Went out. Chanced a gaze. I was scared a bit after all the radiatio gyan my mom uploaded on me. Didnt see the sun . He, even as he was half hidden, was blazing with all glory. All I saw was blinding light. Came back in, sat on my bed. Just closed my eyes, to rest away the lights invasion. And there he was.. on my eyelids, half hidden, half shining, with all his vulnerability and all his glory. The sun, and all these people like him, so intimidating in all public venues, in formal direct dialogues.. somehow tricks us to believe (or is it, make us realise) they do not want and let themselves be held, in the dark alley of submission and privacy.

The containing flesh; the liberating flesh

I realised something today. Focusing on your body. Focusing intensely on it. Being aware of it, rather than being a detriment to detachment , can actually aid it. It's like, one minute I am so unconsciously conscious of the breathing me, heart beating me, the seeing me, the hearing me... (I say unconsciously conscious coz, it's such an integral awareness that I dont even realise it's there) And in the next moment when I become conscious of the heart bearting, the eyes seeing, the ears hearing, suddenly that awareness of my body, takes the 'me' out of the bodily activities. And suddenly am this extra me, watching the body.

I say, if I am a liquid in a container, it's the awareness, the contemplation on the container, that is the easiest way to find my contained self's existence, rather than contemplating on the wide wide world outside. (Atleast for me, that hasn't worked much.)

Indeed With each discrimination is born a new identity. And the most basic one, gives the most basic one.

Different time frames in one body?

Time is indeed relative. It's been proved too. With that experiment witn meons or muons or something like that. So, that being so, what if our mind and our body cells are living in two different time frames?? I mean, just look at the speed at which we withdraw our feet when we step on something sharp, or the speed at which we recognise a face in the crowd. By the time that happens a millions neurons would have fired! Each neuron readying those vesicles of neurotransmitters, releasing them, those neuro transmitters, moving to nearby dendrites, asking them to send more vesicles forward to convey the message.. So these cells gotta be in a higher time frame! where our 1 s is like a 10 min or something of theirs. Or maybe greater! I have no proof. It's just an instinctive insight. But even if we go by the logic path. Time is defined by change. When there is no change. There is no time. It is for certain that, many many many changes happen in a cellular world compared to the organism world in a given time period of the organism world. So all those changes must mean more time would have been experienced by the cellular world components.
Just imagine! What if eternity is closer when one is a cell in our own body than when we are the body?!!

problem with just problem solving

These kids in school have so much to study! Guess I did too. I still do! what am i saying. So many questions to answer. Eternal problem solvers. Eternal conceptual problems solvers. That would have been ok, if we were the problem finders too. Someone thinks some thing should be a quesstion, puts it up and we, the kids as well as the adults solve them. As answers are given to questions that were never asked by own selves, boredom sets in...

I wish there would be some new teaching techniqie that'd come up.

Something that presents to say Unnikkuttan, just one sentence in the beginning, as he sits to study Mauryan History, say. From nowhere, a young lad name Chandragupta came and built an empire that'd stand the test of centuries. Then he should ask. Where? When? How? What was he like? What was the odds of that happening? and so on.. Then the programme will give the answers, and finding gaps, asking for info to fill in those gaps, Unnikkuttan will learn.

problems can be owned, knowledge can be enjoyed only when we get to find them too na. Or how do we have a citizenry who questions along with performing?

Evolutionary logic of the thin fad

Naked Ape by Desmond Morris is one cool book. Reread it. Gained by the new trains of thought it provided. Train of thought, very much influenced by my passion and success to lose a few kilograms of body flab. If for centuries men went behind women with wide hips, big breasts and flawless skin, it makes a lot of sense, evolutionarily as these could have been possible guarantees for good fertility, child rearing capacity in a woman. And similarly tall, big, brawny, hairy men must have been loved by women too . Tall- for the larger vision range, big anf brawny- for the offense capability, and hairy - for the camouflage (:-D!! who knows). hee hee. But why I am elaborating so much on long long ago trends is that, I really wanna enter into a serious ponder on why suddenly men lost their interest in wide hips and butts and boobs!

ofcourse if there is a suggestion of ponder, it is but a facade to present a theory! :-) and here it is.

Human kinds must really be at it's end. As in, the resources and space is running out. More family is a maladaption indeed for the modern day mom and dads. Less fertility is indeed more adaptive. So maybe, it's the need of the times, that the huma genes are facilitating. By changing, and there by programming men to be attracted to skinny women with teeny tiny hips and breasts that could fit in a contact lens case! I know am exxagerating. But if one looks through the popular divas and actresses, one can actually see a reduction in voluptuousness. People often say that's only because of increasing health consciousness. But though there are studies saying obesity is unhealthy, there is no proof that a thin body is more healthy than a moderate constitution.

So is the case with women. Now metrosexual, mauve, light green type men are more appealing to women than the mountain man type dark brown , maroon type ones. A little less the masculine virility and a little more the accomodating companiability.



PS: Here is a sculpture of a woman from Mauryan times. It's not that one is beautiful than the other. It's just adaptation logic. To be thin. And desire thin. Follow it and get more mates :-P. So unthin women go go exercise. But hey also know k? That you just were born in the wrong century and that you'd have probably had warriors running after you and artists sculpting and painting you, having that body that you have!