3 men chiselled, bombarded, chiselled, what i am as an entity that last 3 years. Of the three there was the one, in relation to whom, i lost all sense of time-space's laws and just followed instincts without being prepared for it at the beckoning of a mad mauve light of my soul. Though I had known him for many months before, the sudden consuming preoccupation with him happened in just a day. From being a happy go lucky carefree entity, there i was, a knot, a knot of rigid waiting for this man to drive from his town in El Paso to Las Cruces to meet me.
Because of the sense of sentience i felt through those few days, and because i really couldnt explain from where these emotions had come, last 3 years i spent in turning up rocks and weaving nets like a spider would, to interconnect images and sounds into a theory that would explain my life change as a viable enough story.
I found many. Especially twin soul kinda ones. And I remained happy.
But today something amazing has happened. I feel like he has transitioned into a teacher figure from a romantic partner figure. Its not because of any upgraded understanding of statistics that told me how unlikely the pairing of us as a couple is. Rather it was a strange mix of dream time communications, images, that gently moved me, almost as if i was in a stretcher to this new room, where the colors of my relation with him are different. Its Autumn in here and am feeling like I cant take enough of the leaves' perspiration smudged air in.
I dont regret a thing in my life. But that doesn't stop me from admitting to myself how much i had suffered in the last 2 years. Especially that day in Himachal Pradesh, feeling like I was in a dark tomb with no escape..
Astagfarullah for not being sensible enough to see the hands that fit mine. Alhamdulillah for helping me realize it in time and also gain much from the path to this realization.
That day, on that day in December 20I4, when i danced with him, i felt amazed at how he moved and made me dance along. I thought i couldnt dance as good enough. Idiotic maybe, but it was that pull of desire to match his steps that incubated and got fanned into me being totally caught up in adulation of him. Today, the very same memory is altered a bit. The mind's projector beam is on the way i was not in sync with him. I wanted to match but i wasnt sinuous enough. This is a really surprising awareness because back then I considered myself a good dancer.
Maybe the belly dance class helped in this new destination too. Being aware of the fact that I am not a dancer in Allah's plan of things has also helped me get down from the pedestal of a dance theme new age hippie love story into a trekking trail beautifully adorned with fallen autumn leaves, where am more a crone. like i always wanted to be.
Because of the sense of sentience i felt through those few days, and because i really couldnt explain from where these emotions had come, last 3 years i spent in turning up rocks and weaving nets like a spider would, to interconnect images and sounds into a theory that would explain my life change as a viable enough story.
I found many. Especially twin soul kinda ones. And I remained happy.
But today something amazing has happened. I feel like he has transitioned into a teacher figure from a romantic partner figure. Its not because of any upgraded understanding of statistics that told me how unlikely the pairing of us as a couple is. Rather it was a strange mix of dream time communications, images, that gently moved me, almost as if i was in a stretcher to this new room, where the colors of my relation with him are different. Its Autumn in here and am feeling like I cant take enough of the leaves' perspiration smudged air in.
I dont regret a thing in my life. But that doesn't stop me from admitting to myself how much i had suffered in the last 2 years. Especially that day in Himachal Pradesh, feeling like I was in a dark tomb with no escape..
Astagfarullah for not being sensible enough to see the hands that fit mine. Alhamdulillah for helping me realize it in time and also gain much from the path to this realization.
That day, on that day in December 20I4, when i danced with him, i felt amazed at how he moved and made me dance along. I thought i couldnt dance as good enough. Idiotic maybe, but it was that pull of desire to match his steps that incubated and got fanned into me being totally caught up in adulation of him. Today, the very same memory is altered a bit. The mind's projector beam is on the way i was not in sync with him. I wanted to match but i wasnt sinuous enough. This is a really surprising awareness because back then I considered myself a good dancer.
Maybe the belly dance class helped in this new destination too. Being aware of the fact that I am not a dancer in Allah's plan of things has also helped me get down from the pedestal of a dance theme new age hippie love story into a trekking trail beautifully adorned with fallen autumn leaves, where am more a crone. like i always wanted to be.
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