I am in a place where few can really touch me.
Yea. Firey Ice, i would call it.
The realisation just slid out of me like sinuous molten laden with a strange kind of surprise as I argued with Mommy about letting me go to a meditation retreat. She was saying I shouldnt go as I am a 'recovering' person on medication. My line of reasoning was, what was the use of medications if they did not allow me to do engagements like this meditation retreat which would be a break from the home bound months from April.
She said, it would all depend on the doctor, in a way that hinted that this too shall be shot down. Thats when i coolly said, if the doctor says no, despite me obediently taking all the high doses of pills he prescribed for me, i would just simply refuse to take the pills or go to the doctor voluntarily.
Really what do I have to lose? A partner? An offspring? A reputation? A job? A need to prove myself to anyone? Nada nada nada. Its a strange quadrant i live in. A quadrant where I am not restrained by fear of losing any of these above entities but at the same time be buoyed by the deep commitment i feel to understanding and practicing Islam. The combination of these dynamics make my quadrant one of freedom, and one insured against depression caused by a general sense of meaninglessness that may descend on people with only the detachment part.
Fakeera I be. Fire Ice that be.
Worse case scenario, if my parents, along with the doctor refuses to have me even attend this workshop, I want to be reminded that as long as whichever mental health facility I may (in the worst case scenario) be admitted to, because of refusing to voluntarily take medication, I shall still have my mind space to encounter Allah. For he speaks and reaches out and perceives in the most deep yet parsimonious ways.
Yea. Firey Ice, i would call it.
The realisation just slid out of me like sinuous molten laden with a strange kind of surprise as I argued with Mommy about letting me go to a meditation retreat. She was saying I shouldnt go as I am a 'recovering' person on medication. My line of reasoning was, what was the use of medications if they did not allow me to do engagements like this meditation retreat which would be a break from the home bound months from April.
She said, it would all depend on the doctor, in a way that hinted that this too shall be shot down. Thats when i coolly said, if the doctor says no, despite me obediently taking all the high doses of pills he prescribed for me, i would just simply refuse to take the pills or go to the doctor voluntarily.
Really what do I have to lose? A partner? An offspring? A reputation? A job? A need to prove myself to anyone? Nada nada nada. Its a strange quadrant i live in. A quadrant where I am not restrained by fear of losing any of these above entities but at the same time be buoyed by the deep commitment i feel to understanding and practicing Islam. The combination of these dynamics make my quadrant one of freedom, and one insured against depression caused by a general sense of meaninglessness that may descend on people with only the detachment part.
Fakeera I be. Fire Ice that be.
Worse case scenario, if my parents, along with the doctor refuses to have me even attend this workshop, I want to be reminded that as long as whichever mental health facility I may (in the worst case scenario) be admitted to, because of refusing to voluntarily take medication, I shall still have my mind space to encounter Allah. For he speaks and reaches out and perceives in the most deep yet parsimonious ways.
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