Star

Skin to skin

When we sleep

your soul stays

awake with

mine

Revolving

about eachother

Our times and spaces

know the other

as love's constant

Star.

Beating, pulsing,

could only be God-given, Star

Seahorse dragons

Seahouse dragons
in my sleep

They speak of a
world of no
divides
where poppies and
Soap coexist

I'm clean yet wild
If that's something
one could
ever be

My songs don't know
my mind
They came from a
place that
transcend

If a vessel is
all I need be

What use does
being poppies or
Seahorses

ever be?

Ruby Writer

Today, with just 7 minutes to go before midnight, am initiating myself into the ruby red art of combining the tenacity of faith with vivid hues of intuition and imagination and let it open daringly..

It is the synchronous encounter with the themes of communism, being reminded of a particular name of Allah, and reading about an important prayer in Salah that inspires me to write this post.

I start on the subject matter by beginning with the conclusion.  Prophet Mohammad (PBUH) is one of the greatest communist spiritualists.

According to the accounts on the prayer we Muslims say towards the end of the Salah, it is stated that, the prayer captures the interaction between Allah (SWT) and Prophet Mohammad (PBUH) that happened. Arguably, THE MOST important and very very brief event in his life . When Allah bade him his well wishes, the Prophet's immediate reply was that may the blessings be spread to all the Muslim brotherhood..

One can believe in the veracity of the story thoroughly (as I do), or may even see it as an allegorical illustration (as maybe people outside the theological fold might). But what I can still assert is that, in capturing the interaction between Allah and the Prophet, during which just a few sentences (Well wishes to each other) transpired, the Prophet's focus was all on a kind of distributive justice.. Kinda along the lines of, "Allah, if I get your blessings and well wishes, may that extend to my brethren too, who are your devoted followers.."

This struck me..because.. as I have been growing in my practise of Islam.. I have been feeling a sort of possessiveness, a desire to be loved more and more by Allah. If an unpolished layperson like me can feel that urge so strongly just within the first few years of being in the terrain of Islam..I can only imagine the intensity of desire the very Prophet of the religion must have felt..to know about Allah, to get closer to Allah..to be loved the most by Allah.. But rather than making his valuable moments a space for a prayer for that, his choice is to uphold the cause of the many who were sleeping, caught away in the fold of the earth that lay worlds away..


Allah's name, I am reminded, is Al Muqsit too. The Equitable. We meet in the world, in the Divine, what we have in ourselves.. When the Prophet remained conscious of equity for the Ummah.. he must have resonated so strongly with the spirit of Allah, that is Justice , Equity, Freedom and all the heady combinations they can make..

Material communism speaks about equitable distribution of material resources. I have heard a good academician once opine that communism failed in its mission in the Soviet because it was not complemented by a spiritual revolution that conditioned the ego and toned up the spirit to wholeheartedly find good in, rejoice in the collective well being of all..

My political preferences have always been left leaning. But i have never had much money. So i had no large personal stake being questioned. But when it comes to spiritual communism..i have more in stake. When i pray do i pray for myself or everybody else? Even the ones who are akin to the "lazing schemers" of the material dimension?

Today I have been inspired by the Prophet and the very Al Muqsit.. I embark with my ruby pulse. I grudgingly aspire to share my Allah.. 

Namaz

Even without having to get into a mystical narrative, I can say and prove one thing - The Muslim way of doing namaz is simply the best spiritual innovation of all times.

5 times a day, irrespective of a location, just with a sense of orientation to the most cardinal directional points, one executes a series of movements that creates a pregnant pause from whatever was happening till then. It moves the body, creates a space for the meditation minded to meditate in between the motions. For the chanting enthusiasts it allows a space to refine themselves to better and better renditions of combining chants with poses.

All within 5 minutes. All done. Renewed.

No body needs to build me a mosque to do that. To clean my body before I do the worship, I can even use a stone if water is unavailable, its said..

Basically, just do the stipulated remembrance with no fail. And what difference it makes. Especially in the life of someone like me who get vaccilated by the daily currents. Just the act of remembering Allah through Namaz, makes me feel at the end of the day, there has been some sense of continuity and or meaning to the day.

Alright i know this post is crudely penned to do justice to what the topic is worth. Insha Allah i will be back to complete it. 

Lest I forget

Andrew.
Only you could have convinced me to get married then.
Only you could have been the only person who could convince me to come to US.
I used to think you were a person I evolved away from.
Maybe that mystic trunk of twin soul connects and energy vortices was just a way of letting me feel good about a situation, where, maybe, maybe..hormones and short circuits may be to blame.

Either way, it kept me happy and trippy. And I dont regret parting ways or thinking that way.

But at the same time let me tell you, when I stand today with no sense of compulsion to find any man to get myself hitched with, it was because you gave me the amazing gift of 4 years of love, where i learnt, laughed, loved and got loved so much.

If i were to die tomorrow I would do so happily. Do you know how much that means and what big a role you had to play in it? Many many years of schooling and documentaries and field work in some of the most stricken lands took my big money ambitions away. A disease like Bipolar had to get the help of many many doctors, across 5 hospitals to get finally convinced am sick and need medication and there by take away any Achievement goals. :) all of a sudden surviving itself was just enough. And then there was all powerful Allah. With the subtlest of invasions to my sensory fields and dreams, he keeps leading me out of snares of materialistic world. He is Aliy, the sublime and Al Aziz, the magnificent. So he can do it. Just like that. But Andrew, you singlehandedly gave me a freedom gift too. Helping me ease out of relationship goals. Its relatively for a person with my value system, i think, to stay away from money, fame, and power. But oh, all the different ways the idea of having a person be one's best friend and complementary rhythm, that kinda convenience and poetry more a difficult set up to let go.

But as it struck me on that day in February at RGNIYD balcony, again it struck me today how lucky i was and am to have had that 4 years with you. You have taught me so much, given me so much, and everything from our wedding to cooking efforts to plant pressing have been so much fun.. i doubt any other man could have been all that to what was all that of me in all those years. There is a story in India about a monk who was ready to die and wanted enlightenment. But he was told that since he had no sexual experience, he could not do so. So he found the body of a king who had just passed away, had sex with his wife and returned back to his body and found enlightenment. Am not in any delusion of grandor thinking am close to enlightenment. But I am consciously yearning it. And that yearning/compass makes me know what are good and bad for me, most times. And so, the fact that we took our relationship so seriously when we did. Pulling off our wedding, managing long distance relationship, cultural differences, raising all those pets. Phew. Am feeling all smiley and fulfilled just as I remember and type all these. :)

Thanks buddy, for those jam packed 4 years. If relationships are food to mind and soul. You packaged for me and nourished me with a lot of nutrients in the most effective way. And yes, now am in a place to see how our fights were part of the nourishment too. Thank you again for all that.

All said and one, there is just this one part I miss terribly though. Your grandma. I dont know how she got lodged in my heart so deep. It breaks my heart not to call her.

Ha

I am in a place where few can really touch me.
Yea. Firey Ice, i would call it.

The realisation just slid out of me like sinuous molten laden with a strange kind of surprise as I argued with Mommy about letting me go to a meditation retreat. She was saying I shouldnt go as I am a 'recovering' person on medication. My line of reasoning was, what was the use of medications if they did not allow me to do engagements like this meditation retreat which would be a break from the home bound months from April.

She said, it would all depend on the doctor, in a way that hinted that this too shall be shot down. Thats when i coolly said, if the doctor says no, despite me obediently taking all the high doses of pills he prescribed for me, i would just simply refuse to take the pills or go to the doctor voluntarily.

Really what do I have to lose? A partner? An offspring? A reputation? A job? A need to prove myself to anyone? Nada nada nada. Its a strange quadrant i live in. A quadrant where I am not restrained by fear of losing any of these above entities but at the same time be buoyed by the deep commitment i feel to understanding and practicing Islam. The combination of these dynamics make my quadrant one of freedom, and one insured against depression caused by a general sense of meaninglessness that may descend on people with only the detachment part.

Fakeera I be. Fire Ice that be.

Worse case scenario, if my parents, along with the doctor refuses to have me even attend this workshop, I want to be reminded that as long as whichever mental health facility I may (in the worst  case scenario) be admitted to, because of refusing to voluntarily take medication, I shall still have my mind space to encounter Allah. For he speaks and reaches out and perceives in the most deep yet parsimonious ways. 

My Spring for him is now Autumn

3 men chiselled, bombarded, chiselled, what i am as an entity that last 3 years. Of the three there was the one, in relation to whom, i lost all sense of time-space's laws and just followed instincts without being prepared for it at the beckoning of a mad mauve light of my soul. Though I had known him for many months before, the sudden consuming preoccupation with him happened in just a day. From being a happy go lucky carefree entity, there i was,  a knot, a knot of rigid waiting for this man to drive from his town in El Paso to Las Cruces to meet me.

Because of the sense of sentience i felt through those few days, and because i really couldnt explain from where these emotions had come, last 3 years i spent in turning up rocks and weaving nets like a spider would, to interconnect images and sounds into a theory that would explain my life change as a viable enough story.

I found many. Especially twin soul kinda ones. And I remained happy.

But today something amazing has happened. I feel like he has transitioned into a teacher figure from a romantic partner figure. Its not because of any upgraded understanding of statistics that told me how unlikely the pairing of us as a couple is. Rather it was a strange mix of dream time communications, images, that gently moved me, almost as if i was in a stretcher to this new room, where the colors of my relation with him are different. Its Autumn in here and am feeling like I cant take enough of the leaves' perspiration smudged air in.

I dont regret a thing in my life. But that doesn't stop me from admitting to myself how much i had suffered in the last 2 years. Especially that day in Himachal Pradesh, feeling like I was in a dark tomb with no escape..

Astagfarullah for not being sensible enough to see the hands that fit mine. Alhamdulillah for helping me realize it in time and also gain much from the path to this realization.

That day, on that day in December 20I4, when i danced with him, i felt amazed at how he moved and made me dance along. I thought i couldnt dance as good enough. Idiotic maybe, but it was that pull of desire to match his steps that incubated and got fanned into me being totally caught up in adulation of him. Today, the very same memory is altered a bit. The mind's projector beam is on the way i was not in sync with him. I wanted to match but i wasnt sinuous enough. This is a really surprising awareness because back then I considered myself a good dancer.

Maybe the belly dance class helped in this new destination too. Being aware of the fact that I am not a dancer in Allah's plan of things has also helped me get down from the pedestal of a dance theme new age hippie love story into a trekking trail beautifully adorned with fallen autumn leaves, where am more a crone. like i always wanted to be.